Editor, Times-Union: I could not see the insanity in my life for a long time. Nearly 19 years now to be exact. Wish I could say I clearly remember them, unfortunately I don’t.
I’m now 33, turning 34 this year. Currently lying in my bunk at our county’s lock-up. Been here 10 months. In two months I get to experience my first trip to the “big house.” I will spend another nine months there.
It sounds funny or weird for me to say, or for you to hear, but I thank God every day for putting me here. It’s definitely a blessing and the awakening I needed. This is what it finally took for me to discover, understand and take steps to correct that insanity I lived for so long.
Instant gratification, impulsive decisions, blinded by the obvious, my thought pattern was clearly not OK. Defeated by the lack of power to fix my problem, I’ve finally reached a step or a stage. I can humbly say I was a thief, cheat, liar, menace to society, a horrible father, brother, son, uncle, and a failure to my abilities. I failed as a husband, boyfriend or even companion. Last on your list to be picked for moral support, respect, dependible, most definitely wasn’t predictable. As I reread all of that I think, wow, what a tool. Then picture it outside of myself, totally understand why I’ve lost everything I loved.
I have a disease, it’s called addiction. I’ve had an addiction since I was 15. It is not only a chemical addiction, but also a mental, physical, and emotional addiction as well. Not only was I addicted to the high I found in the chain of progression, I was addicted to the distributing of the drugs as well. I always felt the urge to be needed, that someone owes me. The adrenaline rush for everyday success, “made it through another day, got deep up in some wallets.” That’s ugly but sadly true. I always thought I had life figured out and lived it to the fullest. Then IU had myself convinced “I can quit whenever I want.” I’m nowhere near the bottom, I’ve got everybody fooled, I don’t spend money out of pocket for my drug habits, never stuck a needle in my arm. Just a few more times and money will be right. Then just disappear, change my phone number and it’s over.” Wrong, I never came to find that day. I was stuck, and stuck real good. Especially with my last phase of addiction, methamphetamine. That was the final shot in the game of Russian roulette. I was lost far and beyond return. Could no longer fool anybody but myself, lost everything that should have mattered. I’m sorry, I apologise to my friends, to my family, to anyone of my assistance in the distruction of their life.
I’m not sitting here on drug charges although it definitely extends from the effects of my addictions. I know my real trials will come when these gates open, as my addiction lies dormant right now. I pray and ask for wisdom, and the strength to fight my disease, and someday, just someday, allow me to be me. Simply the ability to love, and be loved, without a fog-filled mind. Amen.
